Why am I having relationship problems? (part 2)

In part 1 I provided a list of ideas to help ease the burden of relationship challenges.  One of the ideas (number 6) was, "Be willing to be content with having greater than ~70% of your needs/desires".  One morning I heard this concept from a pastor speaking on relationships and it stuck with me.  Allow me to summarize (in my own words) the principal behind the concept.

In many relationships there are things that our spouse/significant other does that we take for granted,  such as: going to work, cleaning, cooking, listening, nursing us back to health, laughing with us, planing dates, intimacy (on many levels), providing, taking care of the home, taking care of the kids, etc...  All of these things (and more) are essential to relationships whether they be romantic or platonic.  What happens is, we begin to take these things for granted (the 70% or more) and do not give them the proper credit that they are due.

So one begins to focus on and desire the things which they feel are missing (the 30% or less) while at the same time discounting the things that they already have.  Reminds me of the old saying, "a bird in the hand is worth more than two in the bush" because there are no guarantees that you will catch the two birds in the bush.  Many times people come and share with me how they left a relationship for that thing/burning desire, only to find out that when they obtained that desire it came with extra baggage that they did not want nor knew how to handle.  When looking back, they had all (and more) then they needed.  This is clearly not the case for everyone and as I said in part 1, there are times when leaving the relationship is indeed the best/safest option.

If we monitor our expectations, temper our desires and maintain an appreciation for the things we have, our outlook on life and our relationship(s) will be better.  I am not suggesting to turn a blind eye to everything, be happy and act like nothing is amiss.  What I am suggesting is that one calibrate their desires with their own brokenness so one will truly know which things are worthy of addressing and which ones are simply nice to haves but not nicer than what one already has, i.e. not worth giving up the 70% for the 30% (the percentages are different for everyone).

When addressing issues, do not live in fear for  IJohn 4:18 (NIV) tells us,  "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. that fear casts out perfect love."  Remember, love is an action and sometimes it requires us to step forward in kindness and address an issue or realize that we have something worth fighting for.

Blessings,
-d

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Why am I having relationship problems? (Part 1)

It seems like 2012 has been full of family and friends either separating or getting a divorce.  While I am not privy (nor should I be) to all of the details of why, it has made me ponder on some of the reasons that could lead to a separation/divorce.  Of course there are the usual suspects: infidelity, money, sex, communication, addiction, culture, expectations, religion, etc...  I can tell you my own marriage has not only encountered several of these 'suspects', we have invited them in to sit, have dinner and take up residence within our marriage.

What causes all of these problems any way?  When the relationship begins, there is nothing but love and dreams...  It seems that it takes time for us to see our own brokenness let alone our spouses to pick up on it.  Even when we realize our brokenness, it is difficult for us to face it/them because it means digging up issues which are too painful to face.  For me, I have found that me facing these issues has not only made me stronger, but a better person, husband, father and more reliant than ever on God.

If love is truly a key driver in relationships, then I believe that we need to recognize that Love is an action, John 3:16 tells us that God loved us soo much that He did something.  It does not say that He 'felt' warm fuzzies for us - He took action.  The action He took was not easy, convenient nor beneficial, it was a costly action for Him that caused Him soo much pain that He turned away when His son was dying on the cross.

In many relationships, it appears the immediate gratification that the media sells has taken root and marriage has become a disposable option that can be ended when it is no longer convenient or beneficial.  Just maybe we are using the other person as a scape goat so we do not have to face the giants in our lives.  It is much easier to blame someone else than work on conquering those giants.

While I am not an expert and realize there are times when divorce is truly the only option.  I believe there are many marriages that simply require more 'elbow grease' and love (the verb form).  I would like to provide a few strategies we have used in our marriage to concur our demons:

1. Pray
2. Communicate in Love /kindness without being accusatory/condescending 
3. Be willing to seek help and accept your brokenness
4. Use symbols, for example 'red light' means one has had enough and wishes to stop
5. Rebalance your expectations, even the unspoken ones
6. Be willing to be content with having greater than ~70% of your needs/desires (will blog on this later)
7. When it comes to relationships, we gain control by relinquishing it (in a trusting environment)
8. Realize no one is perfect and it takes hard work to maintain a marriage
9. Have an accountability partner
10. Count to 10 (or take a walk) before you act/speak

The Bible is full of verses/counsel on marriage if interested, one can do a simple search and come away with some goodies.  The list above is not conclusive, simply something to ponder and decide if any of these (or others) can help ease any relationship challenges you have.

Blessings,
-d

Continue reading - part 2

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Why does God allow us to die?

Tonight my 11 year old son asked my why God allows us to die?  As we continued to talk he shared with  me that he was worried that he would die soon.  While I am not sure what brought this to his mind tonight, if I had to guess I imagine it is largely due to our family attending the funeral of my sisters grandmother yesterday.

What do you tell an 11 year old about death?  While I am not sure what anyone else would say, I first read him Romans 8:38-39 - "38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (KJV)

I then proceeded to discuss the fact that we are all born to die, it just is.  We continued that it is not if, but when that causes many of us the most angst.  I told him when we try to predict the future it causes us anxiety, this leads to stress and worry.  We then walked through concrete examples/proof that none of us can predict the future with any consistency.  Therefore we should believe/rely on the fact that God loves us no matter what as Romans 8 says.  Furthermore, Matthew 6:27 tells us, "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"(NIV)  We ended with me telling him that it wasn't God's choice but a choice by Adam and Eve that led to sin which the Bible says is death (Romans 6:23).  He smiled and seemed to accept my explanation so we prayed and I kissed him goodnight.

After he left, I pondered our conversation a bit more and reflected on what the pastor said at grandma's funeral yesterday.  His main emphasis was, we all know we are going to die but ARE YOU READY? This makes a lot of sense, we put much preparation into school, work, cooking, building, exercising, etc... Why not as much preparation into our plans for eternity?

I once took a class on public speaking, the instructor continued to hammer home the more prepared we are, the easier the speaking event would be.  Not only was she correct with regards to speaking but I have found this to be true for life as well.  So I ask, how are we preparing for the things which cause the most angst?

Many things in life we have no control of, but we do have the ability to prepare for (as best we can) and seek assistance for those things we find too difficult to handle.  The most difficult part of our journey can often be in obtaining the strength it takes to face the giant which towers over us.  I have found that if you try to ignore the giant it only becomes larger.  My son is facing and working on that scary giant called death, how are we doing with our giant(s)?

Blessings,
-d

Thank God for the simple Blessings

Today was not an overly active or taxing day and that is a good thing!  While we were in the hotel pool a family came by pushing their physically impaired son in a wheel chair.  The young man's legs, who appeared to be about 11 years old, were frantically moving up and down.  You could see that he was unable to sustain his own weight or control his limbs as most of us are able to.  While this was evident, it was also evident how excited he was at the prospect of somehow getting into the pool.

I wondered where/how they would let him play in the pool so I shyly followed the unfolding events as the father unstrapped his son from the reclined wheel chair.  As the father gently picked him up, his legs  and arms begin to move wildly as he knew it would only be moments before he was in the water.  He was so excited he let out a yelp, similar to a 6 month old child.

While the father cautiously carried his son to the water, you could see the wear and tear on his face from the years of having to care for a physically disabled child.  When they entered the water, the father placed the son in the formation of a back stroke and took great care to ensure his head was well above the water line.  The son continued to wildly/rapidly move his limbs in patternless motions.

I could not help but smile and enjoy the pure joy he was having by simply being in the water.  This allowed me moments of introspection as I had just climbed out of the pool from playing with my brother, sons and nephew.  Not only was this young man smiling but all of the kids in the pool were smiling.  It's Christmas I thought and no child seems to be concerned with the presents they did or did not get.  Then it hit me, a line in a song from years past, "...it's not the presents but the presence in the essence of being there..."  That was the key to all of these kids joy I thought, they all had someone there with them playing, interacting and loving them.  I believe this is the simple yet powerful secret to the joy I witnessed with the young man in the wheel chair.  

You see, he needed his father to carry him through this dangerous time of being in the water for he could not swim nor fend for himself but with the strength of his father, he could swim and play like everyone else.  He had no worries that his father could not handle the task placed before them, he simply trusted and enjoyed the experience although danger was all around him.

Psalms 9:10 says, "Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."

Simply trust the Father, accept the Blessings and enjoy the experience though danger surrounds you.

Blessings,

-d

Merry Christmas

The time of year has come again when spending time and celebrating with our family and friends takes center stage in many of our lives.  During these lively, fun and sometimes stressful interactions we walk away with some of the best memories for the year and years to come.

This year we decided to spend Christmas in Reno, NV with my brother and his family.  The journey here was filled with multiple obstacles - snow, hazards, accidents and the chief of which was - weather.  What is normally a ~4 hour drive took us 8 hours.  While I'm sure the thought of giving up and turning around entered some of our minds, the two car caravan remained focused on the goal of getting away and spending time together.  This helped to ensure that tempers and attitudes remained in check.

Several of us have felt like 2012 has been a pretty brutal year and it is seeming to end on a challenging note as my sister prepares to funeralize her grandmother who served as her mother and raised her, my wife and I brace for what the future of her health holds, the family continues to await the news of my mothers condition, etc...

While all of these are true challenges we must do our best to not allow them to take away from the great experiences we are having as we spend these few days together.  We have all made conscious sacrifices to be here and it would be a shame if we were to let those sacrifices be for not.  The principal of Christmas is based on one of the greatest scarifies - Jesus Christ's birth for the sole purpose of dying!

His life was one that was filled with joy, trials, tears and a painful death.  His recorded journey is to serve as an example of how we are to maneuver through the obstacle course of life.  Life will be difficult at times and make you want to give up and turn around.  If we are able to fight the good fight, stay focused, look to encourage others, love when loving is hard, accept the gift of love that God gave us and dance when the music is good, we too will have taken full advantage of the sacrifice that was performed on our behalf.

Merry Christmas all,

-d

P.S. I found the remake to this powerful song encouraging - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1DZA_TdBBI

Why God...?

I was visiting my mother and somehow we began to discuss the passing of her 2nd to youngest brother who was the ripe age of 17!  He was killed in a car crash by a man who had consumed too much alcohol/drugs.

They both were rushed to the emergency room to treat the same wound - damage to the aorta.  As circumstance would have it, the decision was made to operate on the other gentleman first rather than my uncle.  As a result, my uncle died and at the age of 8 I began to deal with the tug-o-war between hate and forgiveness. 

You see, this was my favorite uncle and because I grew up in a small town I was forced to process the feelings my family had (and often voiced) for the man who we would often see walking around who became known, not by his first name but, as the man that killed my uncle!

My family was hurting soo bad from the loss that there was no availability for me to discuss how I felt about the sudden removal of the man I wanted to be like.  They say time heals, most if not all wounds, this was a wound whose time had come and I was totally unprepared for it. You see my mother told me the autopsy revealed that my uncle had a terminal illness - WHAT?  Why am I just now hearing this some 30+ years later, are you kidding me!?  I have held and buried my hurt for so long that I did not realize how much of an open wound I still had.

As I sat on my mother's couch processing what she just told me I began to see God's Grace and Mercy as he spared the man I idolized as a child from a lengthy (no win) bout with an organ disease.  Not only that, He was showing me how I had internalized the loss of my uncle and made it personal to the point of me not being able to release it.  I realized how much agony I had spent on thinking about the loss to ME versus understanding that even when evil seems to have delivered yet another final blow, God shows He is still in control and as Romans 5:20 says, "...but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more..."

Let the healing begin, as I am reminded to let go and let God!

Blessings,
-d

Nuclear Medicine appointment with mom

Today I am with mom at a Nuclear Medicine appointment. We are here because there are concerns she may have bone CANCER! How dare they utter the dreaded 'C' word! 

Nonetheless, they injected moms with a solution that contains a radio labeled isotope buried in phoshate.  It is kind of like parents mashing up veggies in pasta so the kids don't know it's there.  The phosphate gets absorbed by the bones over an ~3hr timeframe and the buried isotope now acts like a flashlight when they run the scanner over moms body (~1hr long process) so the inside of the bones become visible as images are generated.

Am I worried/afraid, OF COURSE I am but I have to rely on my faith to hold me up as I transition through these various journeys/trials.  My brother & I are doing the best we can to remain encouraging and strong throughout this ordeal, not to mention that each of our wives have their own health challenges. 

While the weight can be great at times, I am reminded of Matthew 11:28-30 : "28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart:and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." I claim it for I could use rest and a lighter burden. 

 Stay encouraged all! Blessings, -d

A Tragedy in Connecticut!

I am sure that many (if not all) of you have heard about and even seen some of the heart wrenching pictures, videos and accounts of the horror that took place Friday (14Dec2012) morning at Sandy Hook Elementary school - http://news.yahoo.com/routine-morning-then-shots-unthinkable-terror-034139544.html.  I as many of you am completely shocked and appalled by what 20 year old Adam Lanza did!  It was not enough for him to kill his mother, he then proceeded to take the lives of 20 innocent children & 6 innocent adults.

I heard one of the pastors of the town say during a vigil that where goodness is, evil also is!  I thought that was well said when no amount of kind, intellectual, well thought out/intended words will take away the pain left behind from LOVED ones being violently and suddenly taken from you.

Last night I was at my sons and nephews Christmas concert for the elementary school they attend.  What an exciting and joyous time it was to see the kids having a great time singing.  The joy I shared with my family was taken away from this community as they too had just finished having a holiday concert.

Events like these provide us with time to reflect on what truly is important and to not take for granted all of the hugs and I love you's!  Remember to pray for the families of Newton, Conn. community.

Love, Smile and Laugh a lot!

Humbly yours,
-d

Dealing With Pain

Today I said hello to a coworker whose eyes showed that the pain(s) of life was/were weighing on her like lead weight as she tried to swim upstream of the rushing waters.  I told her to, "stay encouraged", her response was, "I'm fine". I smiled and told her to stay encouraged again and she said, "thank you, I will".  While I do not know the burden that was on her heart, I gathered by her expression that she was appreciative that someone took the time to notice and encourage her.

Shortly afterward, I spoke to my wife who too is suffering from pain.  This pain is physical as she was diagnosed with Degenerative Discs, Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia some years back - before she reached the tender age of 35!  While I could not see her, her voice told the story of someone swimming upstream with lead weights on her back & in her joints.  "Hi Love, how are you" she asked, I put a brave face/voice on it and said - "I'm good doll" all the while pushing the lumps down in my throat as I reflected on her not being able to walk yesterday due to a pain manegement shot meant to help...

As the conversation ended, I sent up a prayer for my coworker, wife, mother and others who are in life's torture chamber called - PAIN!  No sooner than I begin to pull myself out of reflection, I received a text from my brother, "If God is for us, who can be against us (Romans 8:31 NKJV)" .  Smart phones are pretty amazing and God knows just when to use them.  It was if He was gently lifting me out of harms way called negative thoughts as if I were an  innocent puppy being transported go safe ground by their ever vigilant mother.

When I reflect on the events of today, I am reminded of the power of pain which can lead to fear which in turn can lead to one becoming immobile, I appreciate more the verse that my brother sent - If God be for us, who can be against us!

If you find yourself in a form of pain, stay encouraged, continue to fight the flow of negative thoughts, pray/meditate and surround yourself with LOVE!

Blessings,
-d

The Transformation Beginning - 12/12/12

Hello World, I have been meaning to start a blog for quite a while but simply have not made an effort to do so.  With additional Divine prompting I thought 12/12/12 (how cool is that date) was a GREAT day to begin!

The purpose of this blog will be to share in my (and others if they are willing)  transformation through the various challenges that life has dealt and has a way of delivering.  I hope this blog will be informative, inspiring, fun etc... Not much different from the other billion blogs out there.

Here's the brief intro, the vision has always been to pool synergistic talents and tell the stories so that others might benefit and know that they were not in the challenges they were facing.


Here's to blogging...

-d