Why am I having relationship problems? (Part 1)

It seems like 2012 has been full of family and friends either separating or getting a divorce.  While I am not privy (nor should I be) to all of the details of why, it has made me ponder on some of the reasons that could lead to a separation/divorce.  Of course there are the usual suspects: infidelity, money, sex, communication, addiction, culture, expectations, religion, etc...  I can tell you my own marriage has not only encountered several of these 'suspects', we have invited them in to sit, have dinner and take up residence within our marriage.

What causes all of these problems any way?  When the relationship begins, there is nothing but love and dreams...  It seems that it takes time for us to see our own brokenness let alone our spouses to pick up on it.  Even when we realize our brokenness, it is difficult for us to face it/them because it means digging up issues which are too painful to face.  For me, I have found that me facing these issues has not only made me stronger, but a better person, husband, father and more reliant than ever on God.

If love is truly a key driver in relationships, then I believe that we need to recognize that Love is an action, John 3:16 tells us that God loved us soo much that He did something.  It does not say that He 'felt' warm fuzzies for us - He took action.  The action He took was not easy, convenient nor beneficial, it was a costly action for Him that caused Him soo much pain that He turned away when His son was dying on the cross.

In many relationships, it appears the immediate gratification that the media sells has taken root and marriage has become a disposable option that can be ended when it is no longer convenient or beneficial.  Just maybe we are using the other person as a scape goat so we do not have to face the giants in our lives.  It is much easier to blame someone else than work on conquering those giants.

While I am not an expert and realize there are times when divorce is truly the only option.  I believe there are many marriages that simply require more 'elbow grease' and love (the verb form).  I would like to provide a few strategies we have used in our marriage to concur our demons:

1. Pray
2. Communicate in Love /kindness without being accusatory/condescending 
3. Be willing to seek help and accept your brokenness
4. Use symbols, for example 'red light' means one has had enough and wishes to stop
5. Rebalance your expectations, even the unspoken ones
6. Be willing to be content with having greater than ~70% of your needs/desires (will blog on this later)
7. When it comes to relationships, we gain control by relinquishing it (in a trusting environment)
8. Realize no one is perfect and it takes hard work to maintain a marriage
9. Have an accountability partner
10. Count to 10 (or take a walk) before you act/speak

The Bible is full of verses/counsel on marriage if interested, one can do a simple search and come away with some goodies.  The list above is not conclusive, simply something to ponder and decide if any of these (or others) can help ease any relationship challenges you have.

Blessings,
-d

Continue reading - part 2

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