To Trust or Not To Trust

Trust, a simple word that contains soo much meaning, power and influence.  It can be applied to various scenarios and has a plethora of meanings.  On the flip side, it can also be used as a weapon.

When used in such a manner (as a weapon) and many times unintentionally, it leaves such devastation in its wake that people become shells of the individual(s) they were. Instead of fulfilling their God given purpose they find creative ways/places to hide/shield themselves from the possibility of having to suffer yet another devastating blow.

As a child I grew up knowing that I was loved. Yet the violence that surrounded me clouded this love and instead of stepping into and flourishing in this love, I began to mistrust. As my mistrust grew so did my failed relationships. You see I saw love as a thing that looked one way but really was a weapon waiting to be used at the opportune time. My girlfriends would always tell me that I was a robot. I did not understand why they thought that way, you see I figured if I did a whole lot of nice things for them (which I did), was respectful, worked hard and had a great personality this would be enough. Boy was I wrong because each one of my relationships including my wife has told me in one way or another that I was like a robot - distant. It took me a bit of time to figure out what they meant and once I did, I was too stuck in my habitual pattern of dealing with my deep seeded pain to man up and do anything about it. Not only that, what would I do about it? I had no clue what to do! I lacked the tools to deal with this situation. So instead I continued to do what I always did - WORK HARDER at hiding!

Until one day while in Spain I received a call from my wife telling me that she was simply hanging in the marriage for the sake of our two young children. I curled up in the fetal position and cried myself too sleep, I mean how could I have worked soo hard and failed? Not only had my works failed, I pushed the person I loved away with all of the controlling antics and ways to fulfill my sick truth that she was simply going to pull out that sword called trust and cut my heart out when the time was right.

Now that I knew how she felt, I had some choices to make and none of them would be easy. I could continue in the way I was going or strap my boots up and begin to face my demons. You see, either is a difficult path - quitting or working toward reconciliation. They both require one to make some hard choices and commitments that are not the most comfortable. I chose to fight my demons because I knew if I did not I would simply continue to allow them to occupy prime space in my mind that was intended for something else. To add insult to injury, I would carry them around with me for the rest of my life wondering why I had failed relationship after relationship and that was NOT AN OPTION!

I was faced with the decision to open up and trust or continue to alienate my wife.  While it was not easy, I chose to leave behind the relationship lessons I had learned as a child and trust!  It was one of the best decisions I made. 

Has your trust been broken?  Are you hiding so you don’t have to trust and risk hurt?